My anti-valentine celebration of the previous night was cheerful and grand as expected it did however end with my good self loosing a day from my life. I felt awful to the power of awful. Maybe rightly so!
Somewhere there during the night's extravaganza I got suddenly hit by a deep thought on a meaning of my actions and existence. That is not an easy discourse when one's sober so just imagine my poor drunk brain struggling. So I ran to my friends - all the way on the other side of a table- and I cried 'Please help. Don't let me do anything stupid.'
'Who do you want to sleep with now?
'***.'
'Do you really want to?'
'No, but I will because I can.'
'Is it worth it?'
'No. It's a meaningless thing. But lacking meaningful someone what else is there left to do?'
And so it went on and on for a while. I believe that I tried to kiss every single one of my girl-friends present in a pub trying to prove the point of the above conversation (how?, don't ask me, that's beyond my comprehension). Eventually I kissed no-one, I went home on my own and twisted with pain as the day was passing by I had my little catharsis and I decided to act like a more meaningful person.
Don't get me wrong, I am a very meaningful person. I have a heart of gold and a wise mind. I perceive life realistically though at the same time I demand virtues and honourable behaviour of myself and yourselves. Every now and again, however, I do stupid things, meaningless things. I have my explanation and justification - I can do it, it keeps me in a loop, sometimes I need to do a meaningless nothing to get over a broken meaningful something etc. But what if by acting carelessly I miss on something special? As my friend said, what if a girl that could mean more is going to walk by seeing me doing sweet nothing with people I don't care about? Now, that's something to consider.
And therefore here I make a solemn promise of quitting booze and girls for a fortnight.
For I shall strive for more of a meaningful and less of a meaningless in this beautiful year of 2013.
Friday 15 February 2013
Tuesday 12 February 2013
The birth of the Idol (GUEST ENTRY)
There was a snowfall and my sister turned into a snowman (which, in Polish would be translated as an IDOL). So she became an idol of the old world and her skin is all covered with silver and gold and now I am only worried that she will weigh too much and they won't allow me to take her on board without paying extra fees... Could I maybe post her home and count that Royal Mail is not a bunch of little thieving dwarfs?... But that's tomorrow. I will worry tomorrow.
Tonight on the other hand I was woken up by a crowd of little creatures with twisted arms, with humps on their backs, with deformed faces and third and fourth eyes placed randomly on their bodies. They all wanted to greet a new idol that appeared on Earth. I had to get up and I attempted on organising them into a queue so each of them could rub their scary and pale cheeks on her hand without awakening the old power that had inhabited her body so suddenly. When the sun had started to slowly emerge from behind the forest line I started to quietly and with a whisper "shuu!" and "go away" them as even I was ever so slightly afraid of the little one (now, mind you, not so little and all covered in precious metals) to wake up: no-one knew if the idol she became is an old but benevolent power or maybe she has rather transformed into a cruel old creature that can (and will) - even just for her own entertainment - change whoever she encounters into a pulsating yet conscious mass...
So, I have managed to get rid off all the freaks of nature and sat very quietly at her side and waited for her silver eyelids with golden eye-lashes to part and allow rays of sun to enter her eyes (which used to be blue not so long ago and now I didn't even know what colour I should expect - has her inside also become a precious metal or is she, somewhere deep inside, still this fragile human being that I used to know all her life?...). She moved for the first time ten minutes after nine. She rolled onto her side and opened her mouth from which in one (and quite elegant - it's hard not to be graceful and elegant when you are made out of silver and gold with shiny little onyxes that are attached to your scalp so they imitate the once present hair) motion she has disposed all of the organic, and it seems no longer needed, guts. She opened her eyes (blue it was no more) and froze again.
Once it was obvious that there is no imminent danger from her side, the deformed creatures started to fill the room once again. And as before, I took upon myself a role of the highest priest and made sure that only one at a time (and only for a few seconds - as long as it takes me to count one - two - three) approaches her hand and whispers greetings and asks for a blessing. So: one - two - three; one - two - three; one - two - three...
Tonight on the other hand I was woken up by a crowd of little creatures with twisted arms, with humps on their backs, with deformed faces and third and fourth eyes placed randomly on their bodies. They all wanted to greet a new idol that appeared on Earth. I had to get up and I attempted on organising them into a queue so each of them could rub their scary and pale cheeks on her hand without awakening the old power that had inhabited her body so suddenly. When the sun had started to slowly emerge from behind the forest line I started to quietly and with a whisper "shuu!" and "go away" them as even I was ever so slightly afraid of the little one (now, mind you, not so little and all covered in precious metals) to wake up: no-one knew if the idol she became is an old but benevolent power or maybe she has rather transformed into a cruel old creature that can (and will) - even just for her own entertainment - change whoever she encounters into a pulsating yet conscious mass...
So, I have managed to get rid off all the freaks of nature and sat very quietly at her side and waited for her silver eyelids with golden eye-lashes to part and allow rays of sun to enter her eyes (which used to be blue not so long ago and now I didn't even know what colour I should expect - has her inside also become a precious metal or is she, somewhere deep inside, still this fragile human being that I used to know all her life?...). She moved for the first time ten minutes after nine. She rolled onto her side and opened her mouth from which in one (and quite elegant - it's hard not to be graceful and elegant when you are made out of silver and gold with shiny little onyxes that are attached to your scalp so they imitate the once present hair) motion she has disposed all of the organic, and it seems no longer needed, guts. She opened her eyes (blue it was no more) and froze again.
Once it was obvious that there is no imminent danger from her side, the deformed creatures started to fill the room once again. And as before, I took upon myself a role of the highest priest and made sure that only one at a time (and only for a few seconds - as long as it takes me to count one - two - three) approaches her hand and whispers greetings and asks for a blessing. So: one - two - three; one - two - three; one - two - three...
Saturday 9 February 2013
The real friends
Friends are people who keep on listening to your meaningless and tedious little dramas over and OVER again. Well yes, they are. They are people who are there to pick you up and scrap you from the pavement when you fell or got broken again.
I love my friends and, dear friends, this is my little tribute to you.
I was a sad little kid with no real friends. With mates aplenty but with no real bonds for most of my younger life. Then it all changed. I started to talk and to communicate with people. I started to trust and to believe. By now I am surrounded by an incredible bunch of guys who are there for me. The slightest crisis strikes and I get a panel of specialists advising me on my mind's and heart's problems. I can't even account for all the text-conferences which I summoned in the recent times. Litres of alcohol drunk late at night and words pouring uncontrollably from mouth to mouth. With questions shooting right and left and desperate inquiries for some guidance. That guidance I received. Not without bollocking, smacking me across face, holding my hand and all other relevant stuff.
The stories that lead us to this love are not straight (how could they be?) and often comprised of grand explosions and wars. I let down probably every single one of my dearests and with some I went through a real mayhem. But souls that speak to each other and see beyond the boundaries find solutions at the end.
I have friends to whom I didn't speak for days, weeks, years. I have friends that I feared and those that I laughed at. Paths of life are often unpredictable and unprecedented. I fucked up many times and they fucked up sometimes too. But here we are - brothers in arms, fighting our way through life and chaos.
I make one promise - always to remember, always to strive for a better future, for a better now. Without you guys, I'd be just a big-headed trouble. With you, I'm special.
Friday 8 February 2013
Leave the third one alone
It's Friday evening, I'm on a red wine swing, I think about my lovers past and future and I've just realised that I probably should classify this blog as containing 'adult content'! I always thought that if I come to this I would write dirty sex stories, erotics like "Emmanuel" or rather descriptive accounts of dark nights when I got laid. Ha, life has chosen a different path for me. Nonetheless, I use the word 'sex' freely and I'm just about to breach a controversial topic so let it be.
This is my small manifesto about the cheater, the cheated and the third one.
Many of us have played all the roles, some of us only two or one and probably not that many none (let's be realistic - this is life). It doesn't matter why things happen and where they lead. Let's look at the morals, the ethics.
For some bizzare reasons our society is ultimately targeting the third one. I always asked and I still ask 'why?' For that is the only person in the equation that is formally unattached and therefore ultimately free to do whatever they please. Why should the third one be blamed for mistakes of the cheater? How come the cheated one instead of facing the reality prefers to blame the innocent one?
I say all of this not because I'm single and therefore most likely to happen to be the third one. I say it because my inquiring mind likes to think things over, to put them on a universal scale of good and bad and then build a picture of perfection in this imperfect world.
Perfect for being just and honest. Imperfect for a conflict shall always be present and a dynamic nature of humans will bring a lot of drama and emotional spectacles.
Going back to the topic.
The cheated one is the one we should feel sorry for. And we do. His/her viewpoint is hazed by the emotions and maybe I can just about understand why it leads to a lot of cursing and swearing on the third one. It's easier like this. Who needs their heart broken more? Who wants to admit that a person they love is a piece of shit and has no regards for them? Let's find a scapegoat.
The cheater messed up a big time. Clearly if they had no guts to deal with a situation in a civilised manner and they opted for a little bit of sex behind their partner's back no-one should expect them to have enough morals and standards to admit their own failings. They too will blame the one they cheated on with.
The third one - the most innocent participants of the affair. Let's not forget that the third one may or may not know what role he/she is playing. And has no obligation to do so! I usually recommend not getting involved with a paired person for falling for an engaged person is a big mistake but do what you wish. If one does become the third one it's okay. It's not that person's responsibility to be responsible for a whole world around them. In fact he/she is really needed in that couple's life at that particular moment. Think about it. There's more in it than just pretty words.
The world however joins in the beating and smacking of the innocent one. The blaming culture is widespread and powerful. And I fear it.
This is my small manifesto about the cheater, the cheated and the third one.
Many of us have played all the roles, some of us only two or one and probably not that many none (let's be realistic - this is life). It doesn't matter why things happen and where they lead. Let's look at the morals, the ethics.
For some bizzare reasons our society is ultimately targeting the third one. I always asked and I still ask 'why?' For that is the only person in the equation that is formally unattached and therefore ultimately free to do whatever they please. Why should the third one be blamed for mistakes of the cheater? How come the cheated one instead of facing the reality prefers to blame the innocent one?
I say all of this not because I'm single and therefore most likely to happen to be the third one. I say it because my inquiring mind likes to think things over, to put them on a universal scale of good and bad and then build a picture of perfection in this imperfect world.
Perfect for being just and honest. Imperfect for a conflict shall always be present and a dynamic nature of humans will bring a lot of drama and emotional spectacles.
Going back to the topic.
The cheated one is the one we should feel sorry for. And we do. His/her viewpoint is hazed by the emotions and maybe I can just about understand why it leads to a lot of cursing and swearing on the third one. It's easier like this. Who needs their heart broken more? Who wants to admit that a person they love is a piece of shit and has no regards for them? Let's find a scapegoat.
The cheater messed up a big time. Clearly if they had no guts to deal with a situation in a civilised manner and they opted for a little bit of sex behind their partner's back no-one should expect them to have enough morals and standards to admit their own failings. They too will blame the one they cheated on with.
The third one - the most innocent participants of the affair. Let's not forget that the third one may or may not know what role he/she is playing. And has no obligation to do so! I usually recommend not getting involved with a paired person for falling for an engaged person is a big mistake but do what you wish. If one does become the third one it's okay. It's not that person's responsibility to be responsible for a whole world around them. In fact he/she is really needed in that couple's life at that particular moment. Think about it. There's more in it than just pretty words.
The world however joins in the beating and smacking of the innocent one. The blaming culture is widespread and powerful. And I fear it.
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