To my lover

This entry is aimed at my lovers and loves past. It's a thank you note.

To all the girls that I wanted to love in the past two years: Thank you for saying no and being so inappropriately wrong for me.

I really did not see it. I really wanted to marry you. I would have loved you truly and I would have been lost for the world. And I would not meet the one that is somewhere there still waiting for me. The one that is not afraid of me, the one that is full of fire.

So yet again:
To the girls that didn't want to go out with me, didn't want to sleep with me, didn't kiss me back. Thank you. For you have saved me. Because for a little bit of love I would have lost myself. I would have loved you, truly and forever until the end. I was blind and I would have sold myself for a pretense, for imagination. I would have gone for safe. I would have gone out with any one of you and I would have put a ring on your finger. And you were not right for me and I pretended that I didn't see it. Thank you for not letting me settle for less.

My destiny is beyond you. My destiny is to achieve, to build, to travel, to speak up, to create, to challenge.. And I would have so easily let you, a girl, stand between me and my dreams, my path and the girl that is still waiting somewhere there for me.

More than a gay!

One day I'm going to find you. I don't know where and even less I know how. I really hope that you were born by now! And even if it will take thousands of women to kiss, hundreds of dates to go on, tens of females to sleep with.. I can endure it. I will. In the name of love. In your name.
And before I put a ring on your finger and before you put a ring on my finger.. I ask you to do two things. Two things that are going to tell you the last words of who I am and of what did make me who I am.
First of all come with me to a country that was mine and which I left all those years ago. Go with me to see Roads to Freedom. An exhibition that makes me emotional, that makes me shed a tear or two, that gives me strength to believe in what I believe and hope that I shall be strong in a face of evil. See it - see a history that made a person you've chosen to love. A history I remember and that which happened before my times.
Then go with me to a concert of Kult. And watch the crowd. And gaze at my face when it gets all emotional. And let me be when I sing "this is Poland" standing there, in a land that hosts me but is not mine. And go to the very front, where the crowd is wild. It will take some stamina and it will cover you in sweat yours and others. It's totally worth it - be one of the Poles for a song, for a dance.
And that is all I ask. For you to fully know what you are choosing.

I would never ever...

The year was 2008. My best friend and I went out to town to drink a lot and to look out for our great, one and true loves. We were kids back then. How little did we know of life and love and other diseases!
And in a childish but strong voice I said,
"One night stand? I would never ever..! Sex is the act of love. I would not find any pleasure in anything random."
A year later my first one night stand happened. I didn't know her name, we didn't say a word to each other, she was a girl in a hat. It was classic.

Last week I recalled my youthful statements and I laughed heartily inside (and outside to the amusement of my friends). And I thought of a Hungarian Princess that has recently left bite marks on my thighs for ten days and of the softest Jewish girl in a cubicle for £2. And I see the world differently than all those years ago and imaginary ideas shall not drink my juices again and I can tell true beauty from a beautiful lie! But still... on one point I was right - sex is best with love.
And whenever I am with a girl and I fuck her brains out I truly love the queen in my arms. She is mine and my love is forever, everlasting, for eternity, as long as we are together, until the next morning.

Mary-Anne is a bitch

This is a genuine story.
I met a girl and I liked her. I tried to ask her out and her answer was a constant 'maybe but no but maybe'. I thought
"Come on, it's either fuck yeah or fuck off, why is it so difficult?"
After a week she said
"It's awkward, maybe I'll explain one day. It's a no."
Weird but I let her be.
End of story. Not.

Some time later I found out unexpectedly and very randomly that she used to go out with my X. I confirmed the information at source.
"How bizarre," I thought, "it shouldn't be hard to say so if that was the case".
Then came a realisation - I was cock-blocked by my X! Peculiar for we are all lesbians but true. Maybe a bit funny, maybe a bit bitter. Universe, what do you do to me?!
Then another realisation came - I was probably the last idiot in the village to find out what that was all about. And I wondered how come no-one told me anything. It would make sense to talk to me!
So I asked my friend if she knew. And from the first reply I saw that something very bad would happen. And it did. I couldn't stop it. After all, I'm just a Pole and I do everything with my full heart. When I love - I love, when I fight - I fight. I asked for an information and all hell broke loose. Bang! I don't know why and I don't know how and looking back at what led to this I can only repeat one statement - not guilty of anything.
I am, however, sad and angry and broken. So, dear reader, please take a minute and think well of me. Maybe even have a little drink to my health. And listen with me to Regina, cause Regina makes everything better :)

LISTEN TO REGINA HERE

Those Things We Do For Love

Last Sunday saw me coming back from L Fest - a place full of lesbians, adventures, laughter and trouble (that was more of a personal thing than a general theme). I was happy but tired and maybe I couldn't control the train of my thoughts. Anyhow, three things popped into my head at the same time:

* I'm not really seeing many women recently since I got myself into a deep shit trouble last winter (see, here it is again!)... Maybe I should start dating more, after all I love meeting people and it always makes for a good story.

* Oh dear, I'm so glad that I live in times current. If I lived in old ages my sister would be dead! (She has a medical condition that needed XX century to be semi-tamed). Oh dear, maybe my whole family would be dead.

* Ha ha, I shouldn't probably say out loud how I came to a conclusion that if I was black (and had one of those full of meaning names like some Africans do) my name would be Charity.

And BANG. This was born in the depths of my beautiful mind - I shall go on a date with any girl that is going to support my chosen charity which supports people like my sister and tries to find a cure for their condition.
It's a three-way win-win-win situation. It's perfect!

Truth be told I have no idea how successful this endeavour might be and I can't predict whether anyone will be even remotely interested in participating in an adventure like that. But the thought was there and therefore I must give it a go. Nothing to loose, everything to win. Let's be amazing!

You can read my sister's story HERE (this is my lovely sister and I on a photo above)
And you can see my dating profile HERE (my photos are not XXX rated, you have to believe me)

Living The Dream - Intro

For a while now I was braving myself to start writing about one thing that appears to be a reoccurring motive in my life, thing that I believe to be the ultimate goal of human existence, thing that humanity searches for with a varying rate of success, a thing that many want and a few have. Please let me introduce you to Happiness.

Working definition: happiness is a positive state of inner peace and fulfillment.
I'm going to tell you that happiness is, like Lego, built of various components and hence it can be achieved and modeled by working on it's smaller parts. With a little bit of training, time and dedication anyone can find their way to happiness. It is not a chance and not luck and not outer causes that make happiness in us. It is due to our doing in the world and our interactions with it.

Most of the issues that I am going to mention have a rational and scientific background (do your own research if you wish). Some of them are universals, some are more culture dependent (I write all of this from a white, European perspective). Some might be completely wrong. All I have is my 33 year old wisdom, a sense of observation, a handbag of life experience and some psychology background. But I know that there is a pattern, that there is an easier way than blind walk, that many people strive for fulfillment and that some people are unhappy. I can only hope that someone will find this useful or even vaguely interesting. See what works for you, give it a go. And if nothing more, this is my challenge that I take upon myself to make my life more worthwhile, richer and happier than it was ever before.

As my ex-friend said once: Everyone has right to be happy.

Adventures at the North of the Pole(and)

As the plane lowered its flight braking through the layer of clouds we were enveloped by a sudden darkness.
'It's going to be like this throughout our stay. It's a polar night over here.' I whispered to one of our guests. His gaze was very uncertain.

We kissed a ground that we had landed on, as is a tradition in my homeland, and we started our journey through evergreen, stretched for miles woodlands. The next morning, when we arrived to a shore, we were welcomed by dunes, cliffs, singing sands and a blue, twenty degrees water. It was beautiful. But it was a first thunderstorm of the season that made the biggest impression on us all. It caught us in the evening, when we were back in the woods. More precisely, when we were reaching the highest peak of the area - the Bald Mountain (a well renowned witches meeting place). Thunders, lightning and a sudden downpour took us by surprise. There was no point in running and no point in hiding. The Universe showcased its power! Rapid, impromptu streams showed us a way down and led us to safety.
As I recall this events we have just returned from Hel. My feet are still on fire but it was totally worth the experience. That is however another story.

When I look at this polar land with eyes of a tourist it is a one amazing place.